Big? Spender

I've determined that I have expensive tastes. And that I might have a reasonable sense of fashion if I felt it was worth it to spend that much on clothes. In fact, I think I've developed a complex. I feel guilty when I spend money.

It's useful now, I guess. I don't have much money right now, living off of student loans and without a job. Spending right now would mean more debt. And if I ever want to be able to pay back any of my debt, I can't be irresponsible with my money. But even people who are hard up on money can't live strictly on the budget forever. People go nuts if they can't sometimes get those things they want. And thus, there lies the problem.

So, the things I want are generally expensive. Clothes from Anthropologie, JCrew, and Banana Republic. A Playstation 3, Fallout 3, Rockband or Guitar Hero World Tour, Oblivion, and Grand Theft Auto 4. Knitting needles and hand-dyed superwash merino wool yarn. A Kitchen-Aid Professional stand mixer. So to get any one thing (except maybe a ball of yarn), I'd have to spend at least $50. I guess that's not a lot to some people, but it's a lot to me. So spending really sets me back. And even when I've saved money for things I want, I usually end up spending that money on something necessary. For my birthday, I got money from my parents so I could buy knitting needles for myself. But I never got them, because I spent it on something else. I don't regret spending that money, because it had to be done, but I do feel like I owe myself a birthday present. But then I wonder if I'll ever get them, because there will always be something else that needs to be paid for. And there will always be a level of guilt if I buy something I really want, because even if I have the money, it'd be more practically spent elsewhere.

I don't like this. It's not healthy to have such a moralistic view of money. It's not good to be miserly. Money is supposed to be spent. I should certainly spend it wisely, and if I don't have the money, I shouldn't blow it on something frivolous. But when I have the extra money, when I saved the money for a specific frivolous purpose, I shouldn't feel anything but total freedom to spend that money for what I want.

I really don't feel like I have a healthy relationship with money. My mother stressed out like this when it came to money. Much of what she said to me as a child was how we couldn't afford this, and couldn't afford that. But she would also throw down bunches of money on silly things she wanted on a whim. I swore I wouldn't be like her. I'd be more responsible. But even though I don't spend my money randomly and without any deliberation, I see in myself the miserly woman who always complains about what she can't afford. I don't want to be like this. But it's like an eating disorder. While my mom might be considered spending bulimic (starving herself, then binging without warning... or would that be a compulsive spender?), I would say I'm a spending anorexic.

I'm not sure how to fix it, but I suspect that I need to learn to let go. If I save for something, there's nothing wrong with buying it. In the end, I have to realize that money doesn't mean anything. It's a tool. And like any tool, you should know when and how to use it, but if you don't use it, it's useless.

(ETA: Did I mention that I also want a new laptop? And I need to buy a new food processor? Yeah... I didn't think so...)