Letters to Baby, 7

Dearest N~,

It's hard for parents to admit their failings to their child. It's easier knowing that you won't read this for many years - indeed, you won't even understand what I'm saying fully or even be able to read these words for a long while yet - but it's still difficult. I want to be a good role model for you, and recognizing where I fall short is hard to admit even to myself.

When it comes to you, I admit that I've been selfish. Selfish to the point where it negatively affects my ability to provide for our family. In my previous letters, I've mentioned how hard it was to leave you every day at day care while your dad and I went to work. I've also talked about trying to find a job here in Iowa, and how I was dreading leaving you. Well, I have to say that I haven't been trying hard enough to find a job. I've sent out applications, sure, but there is a lot more I could have done to find work, and I haven't done those things. As much as we need the money, I've dragged my feet with this. Because I absolutely despise the idea of you growing up in an environment where 90% of your time is spent with people who are not your family. I just don't want our lives to be something where we only see each other maybe two hours out of every day.

I realize my failings, though, and I'm trying to be better. I try to remind myself that even if we're in a situation that's not ideal, so long as we're staying afloat, it'll be okay. I have to do something to make sure you're well-provided for. You certainly don't seem to notice that our family is struggling, and that's wonderful. I hope your memories of this time are happy ones. But I've got to make sure that it stays that way. If I keep working at it, then maybe I won't have to work at a job with long hours anymore. Even if you have to go to day care for a few months or a year, it won't be forever. I'm looking into possibly becoming a teacher. I'm working on my writing. We'll be moving (again!) in a year or so, and who knows what sorts of opportunities will be available to us then?

When you're an adult, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. Especially when it comes to work. And when that happens, it feels like it will be that way forever. But you have to keep reminding yourself that things can change for the better if you work hard and stay motivated. Hard work at a boring job might lead to a promotion. Extra schooling might lead to a career change or better pay. An 8-to-5 job might be the last thing you want to do (it is for me), but if you work hard on your passions in your free time, something you had only dreamed of happening might come true.

My efforts are still a work in progress. But I think maybe writing to you might help keep me on track. I don't want to let you down.

Love always,
Mommy