Letters to Baby, 8

Dear N~,

It's been some years since I've written to you, and now that you have a baby brother on the way, I figured it was time I wrote you another letter. I've been thinking of writing to you off an on over the years, about any number of topics. But sometimes I feel like I would have been selfish to write to you then. They would have been full of the things that concern me, about the worries my life involves. But this isn't a diary. And while the things I might have said will be conversations we can have some other time - things about my depression or the struggles of living out in the middle of virtually nowhere - I think maybe they're best done in person. And you're full of enough questions that I think we'll touch upon those topics soon enough anyway.

You're 7 now, and so much bigger than you were. The leaps and bounds by which you've grown never cease to be astonishing to me. You're smart and ever-curious with more energy than your dad and I could ever muster. I know I tell you this often, but I think you're amazing. I know we can get frustrated, but it's only because you have always charged ahead into life and we hardly know how to keep up. I love that about you. I love the exuberance you bring to our lives, the passion and bullheadedness you have with nearly anything that catches your interest. I want you to know every day of your life how deeply we love you. To me, you are what sunshine is made of.

I think right now is a difficult time for you, and I'm sorry for that. You just had a birthday, 2nd grade just started, you're about to get a baby brother in a few short days, and we plan to be moving soon. That's a whole lot in a very short amount of time. And while all these changes are necessary and important, I think it's been hard for you. Your dad and I are the root cause of a couple of those things, and - again - I'm sorry. I hope that our efforts to mitigate the hardship for you will help, but I don't know. That's one of the hard parts of being a parent, I guess... That we never know if the things we do to help actually do that. I know you'll be okay in the long run. You're a resilient and tough little kid. But you know me. I can't help worrying.

I think, right now, things feel a bit out of your control. So things that help you feel in control - things that don't seem like they should be that important - have been mattering a whole lot more to you than usual. Maybe when you eventually read this, you'll have some big things happening too that are overwhelming. I want you to know, now and always, that I want to help. I will love and support you however I can. Your dad will too. Right now, you're 7 and we make those decisions on what will help and what won't. But one day you'll be an adult and still need help. Even if things feel out of control, you can tell me if you need help and what that help will look like. I'll listen.

I don't know what S~ will be like. I'm a little scared right now too, if I'm gonna be honest. Just like you've never had a little brother before, I've never had 2 kids before! It'll be a learning experience for the both of us, huh? I hope we do as well with him as we did with you. You're turning out to be a really great little person.

It's gonna be a big weekend for us. I'll miss you while I'm at the hospital. It's okay to be nervous, though. You and me and Daddy... we can be nervous and excited together.

Love always,
Mommy