The Elephant in the Room

Just about four years and a month ago, I got married to an amazing man. We were crazy-in-love. Still are. Our wedding was lovely, simple, and very "us". Happiest day of my life thus far.

Still, my mom wasn't there. I cared that she wasn't there, but had gone through too much drama over the previous months and years that I finally decided that she wasn't going to ruin our day. I wished so much that she would set aside her pettiness for one day and care enough about me to attend. But I knew she wouldn't.

I kinda thought I was over it now. I felt that I'd mostly forgiven her (a little resentment is normal, I think), and that her relationship with me and my husband had improved over time. It's certainly something I'll never forget - she purposely did not go to her only daughter's wedding. It still hurts. It hurts that, today, she saw pictures of my wedding on Facebook and didn't know whose wedding it was.

My little brother is getting married in less than two weeks. And I am SO incredibly happy for him. I really like my future sister-in-law. I've never had a sister before, in an official sense. And I can see that she makes him happy, and my brother deserves someone like that.

But I can't help but feel hurt, because my mother is here, having traveled across 4 or 5 states in order to attend my brother's wedding. I'm glad that my brother doesn't have to go through the same drama and heartache I went through. But I'm envious, because it's a privilege that I never got to have. And it's a strange feeling, to be glad and happy, but sad and jealous at the same time. She's happy for him. She's proud. She's excited. She wants to help. And I'm glad for my brother, that he gets this kind of support from her. But why couldn't she have felt this way for me? Why couldn't she have acted this way 4 years ago?

What's weirdest for me is that no one seems to be acknowledging that I might be feeling this way. My parents, my brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins... I'm not sure what I expect from them really. It'd be horrible and stupid for anyone to bring it up and put a damper on a happy occasion. It's just weird that it doesn't seem awkward to other people. Maybe they are feeling awkward about it, and I'm just not noticing. I guess it doesn't even matter what they feel about it. I'm just a little tired of my family's policy of ignoring the elephant in the room. Not that I expect an apology, nor would I want anything dramatic to happen. But it'd be a nice change of pace for somebody to acknowledge that the elephant exists. It'd be nice to talk about it with a family member other than Sam. Poor guy gets ranted at a lot.