Christmas Checkpoint

It's officially Christmas Eve. It's pretty amazing how quickly these holidays come upon you. Just a little while ago, I was complaining that it was too early to have Christmas decorations in stores. To tell the truth, I haven't really felt in the Christmas spirit this year. I really enjoy our lights and our tree and the ornaments, but as for that excitement that Christmas often brings... just not really there for me this year. It's happened before, and I think it's easy for people as adults to not feel the magic that they once felt as children. I don't know.

Maybe it's because Christmas is so low-key for us this year. Aside from the decorations, we aren't really doing much for ourselves. Money's especially tight this month, so we're not giving each other presents, nor have we been able to get presents for other people. I've been doing some baking, like every year, but I haven't made any of my usual cookies yet. I do plan on making them tomorrow. But I won't be able to send them to Sam's family until after my student loan money comes in, so they'll have to wait. I like hearing from them how much they're enjoying the cookies, and it's a shame that I didn't get to do it before Christmas. Oh well. We were also planning on having our own special Christmas dinner for ourselves on Christmas Eve, especially since I didn't get to cook on Thanksgiving, but with things as they are, it'll have to be postponed until next week. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed, but the nice thing about our relationship is that we're both okay with celebrating special occasions even if it's not on the actual day. Holidays are just the same as any other day, after all - it's the meaning we attach to it that makes it special. We figure that, conversely, if you attach meaning to some other day, it can be just as special as a holiday. We have each other, and that's enough for us for now.

Maybe it's also because this is our first Christmas without Powder. She used to like the Christmas lights, and she'd sometimes nap under the tree. And we'd give her treats in her Christmas stocking. I still miss her so much, and I think about her every day. I know Sam does too. I think holidays are hard when you've recently lost someone you love dearly, because holidays are about being with your loved ones, and that makes their absence so much more pronounced. I used to feed her turkey, and it would make her SO excited. It's hard knowing that I won't ever get to do that with her again, and that all I have of her are those memories. I really hope she's having a good Christmas in heaven, and that she knows how much we love her.

As far as school stuff goes, I haven't done any reading yet this Winter Break, but hopefully I can get some in before school starts up again in about a week and a half (already?). I have a lot of plans for next week, since we should be a little more comfortable monetarily by then, but I really do need to do some scholarly things before the next quarter begins. I'm probably more than a little burnt out from last quarter, and I've been basking in the novelty that is free time. I'm really enjoying spending time with Sam, even if most of that time is spent being bored. I really missed having time together. I'm glad that my hard work and time apart from him paid off in some way, though - I somehow got straight-ish A's this quarter, even though I was sure I wouldn't do so well in a couple of my classes. I'm optimistic that if I keep up a high GPA like I've been getting, I'll be able to find a good job right away after graduation, especially with a TA-ship and an excellent employment history under my belt. But I have to make sure I stay pretty disciplined, so I can get the most out of graduate school as possible. Which means getting some reading done. I'll try to maintain a schedule once Christmas is over. 4 hours of reading should be easy to fit in somewhere while still making me available for all the fun stuff I'd like to do before my vacation is over.

Speaking of which, I had also intended on hanging out with people over this Winter Break, but our unfortunate financial state means that most social activities are out. Why is it that everything you do with people has to cost money too? Nobody ever wants to just stay in and watch a DVD anymore. It's always eating out for dinner or drinking at a bar or going shopping or something. I really don't get how people can afford to have such active social lives what with how much things cost and how often you'd have to spend that money. Even when I had a job, I couldn't afford to do those things half as often as I hear people do. I just hate that being able to hang out with my friends is contingent on whether I have $40 or more to spend on gas, food, and/or drinks. I miss my friends, and I miss doing things with them so we have stories to tell or pictures to show or even just common experiences to strengthen the relationship. I really don't think I'm the stick-in-the-mud people probably think I am. I just don't really have any disposable income.

Ugh, I feel like I'm always complaining on this blog. I think, for 2010, I'll resolve to think more positively. I could really stand to be more optimistic. 2010 seems like it'll be a little scary, what with all the changes and big events that will take place within the first 6 or 7 months - TA-ing, comprehensive exams, graduating, my little brother getting married, job hunting, new job (fingers crossed) - but I'm hoping they will all be good changes and successful big events, and will bring me and my family some good luck and a prosperous future.