A Month to Go

Lots of changes lately, and yet lots of things staying the same. I'm finally starting to get used to my crazy schedule, but it's still terribly stressful. I'm trying to make the most of it. Even if I'm not reading all the assignments, I am turning in written assignments in on time, and doing what I can with the ridiculous kanji quizzes I have every Monday and Wednesday. I have yet to get anything over an 80, but I think with the amount of kanji I'm expected to learn and the little amount of time I have to study, that's the best I can do. I'm used to better, but there's not much else I can do at this point. I'm trying to tell myself that I can afford to get worse grades this quarter since I did so well last year. Sometimes I listen to myself. But it's hard to accept bad grades for maximum effort, when you've been used to the opposite all your life. Oh well.

I've finally committed to taking the comprehensive exams to complete my degree, instead of writing a thesis like most people. I maybe would have liked to write a thesis, but I don't really have the time or, more importantly, the money to take my time on something that I feel I would already be behind on. I don't want to find myself needing another semester or two to finish a thesis when I don't plan on being a "scholar" in the official sense for much longer. That's the other thing too. It's becoming increasingly apparent to me that I just don't belong in academia as anything more than a student. As a grad student, you straddle the line between professional scholar and just-plain-student. And the more I see what being a professional scholar entails, the more unappealing the idea of turning into one becomes. I think the major thing that turns me off is that my form of appreciation of knowledge is pretty different from how scholars appreciate knowledge. And that's fine that it's different, but it's just not compatible. My love of knowledge is broad and un-judging. Theirs is narrow and minutely analytical. I don't really want to pick things apart. I just want to learn what things are and who people were and why they do the things that they do. And I'm capable of finding that stuff out on my own now. I don't really fit into the corporate world either, but it's a means to an end. Sam and I have some pretty big goals for the near future, and I'm pretty optimistic that with a new degree under my belt and some work experience behind me, I can make it work. And potential employers won't be looking to read a thesis anyway.

Finally, the last big thing is that Sam and I have decided to start searching for a dog. It's quite a bit sooner than we had originally planned, but even though we are still mourning over the loss of Powder, we're also really missing having a little doggy running around underfoot. We decided to start now because, ideally, we would like to find a dog shortly before I go on Winter Break so I have a lot of free time to get to know the dog and train her. It'll be a pretty daunting search, since I'm looking for an allergy-friendly breed or mix, and those types of dogs are really popular. It'll be especially difficult to find a really young dog like we want. I'm trying to be patient, especially since there are still about 4 more weeks to the quarter, and I don't want to be still in the middle of this stressful schedule when she comes home with us. And then again, I don't want to dilly-dally if there's a dog out there that sounds perfect for us. It'll be tricky, for sure. I'm hoping that we can find a rescue or shelter dog that meets our criteria and meshes well with us. I like the idea that we can make something good come out of the pain of Powder's death. I really hope we can find a sweet little dog that chooses us like Powder once did.

All in all, so much good will come out of this quarter finally being over and done with. It really does feel like the light at the end of a very long tunnel. I'm still a ways off from reaching the end, but with about a month to go, it's just beginning to feel like I might make it. Hopefully with my sanity intact!