Complications

I really can't catch a break this quarter.

My whatever-it-is skin condition had been acting up since the beginning of this quarter, which I attributed to the high level of stress I've been under. Probably correctly so. Anyway, so I went to the doctor about it, to see if there was anything more they could do for me. Apparently, what I thought was psoriasis might not be psoriasis, so they want to do a biopsy to confirm. While I'm hopeful that it isn't psoriasis - because the possible complications and self-esteem issues that can result from it are pretty devastating - I'm also a little ticked off that none of my previous doctors bothered to biopsy me before. Here I am, having lived with it for 4 and a half years, and no one even bothered to make sure that what I have is what they thought it was. And I thought I had good doctors.

So, I've been waiting impatiently for my biopsy, which will take place next Monday. In the meantime, the stuff that's been managing the itchiness has been thinning my skin as a side effect, so I have to stop it. Which is driving me completely insane, because not only do I have a ridiculously stressful schedule, my skin itches and hurts like mad. And it's pretty gross to look at too. Sometimes I feel kinda glad Sam can't look at me. And that's sad.

I'm hopeful that there's some way to treat this thing, so I don't have to live with this constantly. I want to feel good about myself again. I want to feel pretty again. I haven't really felt that way in a long time, and I could really use a boost. With all that's been happening, between Powder's passing, insane schedule, seeing Sam for only a few hours a day (and even when I do, I'm usually doing something for school), all the work I still have to do, money issues, and this skin stuff... I'm just spent. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like just saying "Screw it" and giving up. School isn't fun anymore. I rarely get to spend time with my husband. I feel ugly and gross. And I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I do feel like I am justified here. I keep telling myself to suck it up and get things done, but I have been sucking it up, and things just coming apart. And being depressed makes me procrastinate, and procrastinating piles up more for me to do in a short amount of time, and that stresses me out more. I know it's a cycle, but lately I just don't have the energy to do the things I'm supposed to be doing. And I feel bad because it makes me feel lazy, but I'm just so exhausted.

I keep telling myself that I'll get that biopsy, and hopefully I'll get better. And I only have a couple weeks of this left before Winter Break. But then, it reminds me that I have about 4 papers to write, a final and a few quizzes to take, research to do, and a whole ton of reading - all within those couple weeks. And I'm honestly not sure how I'll get it all done. I'm just overwhelmed. I need more time, but on the other hand, I just want the time to go quickly, so it'll be all over and done with. I miss having a life.