Published this on Facebook, but I thought I'd get a free blog post out of it. ;) Enjoy!
Lately, it seems like a lot of my friends, relatives, and general acquaintances are either newly married or getting married soon, so it seems like there's talk of weddings and marriage everywhere. Not to mention there's recently been some very public divorce drama on a TLC reality show, which shall remain nameless. ;) So it got me thinking about marriages - why do some work out and some fall apart? I don't necessarily have a succinct answer for that question, but I do have some thoughts about why Sam and I have had a solid marriage thus far. I don't claim to be any kind of relationship expert, and your mileage may vary, but here are some of the things I've learned about marriage.
1) Everyone should get pre-marital counseling. Everyone! It's such a wonderful thing. Sam and I went as a requirement for our Catholic Pre-Cana requirement, and it was a fantastic experience. (Funnily enough, our counselor was my Alg/Trig and Pre-Calculus teacher from high school. La Reina people - remember Mrs. Lower?) You go to someone, have a talk among the three of you about how to communicate, how you'll work out your finances, and how to deal with any drama surrounding your marriage. It's a great way to start off your life together on a strong note. And at counseling, we learned about establishing our "we-ness".
2) Establish your we-ness! It's a word that still makes Sam and I laugh in immature glee, but it's probably the most important thing in a committed relationship. In marriage, you're no longer "he and she" or "he and he" or "she and she", but "we". The two of you are a single unit.
That of course doesn't mean that you're supposed to do EVERYTHING together and have all the same friends and interests. But it does mean that all important decisions need to be discussed and agreed upon together. And that everybody outside your marriage comes second to your spouse. Your parents have a problem with something your spouse said or did? You deal with it like they have a problem with you, regardless of whether you think they're right or not. Your friend invited you to their party/wedding/soiree, but not your spouse? Then they might as well not have invited you. (Unless it's like a bachelor party or something...) It's tough to have a "us against them" attitude, especially when it pits you against other loved ones, but if you don't defend your spouse, who will?
3) Finances are a tricky and sensitive topic, but communicate everything! Sam and I agreed upon a price limit for what we can buy without consulting each other. For a single item, that price limit is $50. I'd also suggest a total spending limit. After all, $40 on a pair of shoes is under the price limit, but 10 pairs of $40 shoes, and you've likely got a problem. When I go shopping with friends, I let him know what my budget is, so he knows where that money is going. If he were to ever go shopping (which, you know, he probably isn't, but he could...), he'd let me know too. Don't do that thing where you buy something you know you shouldn't, then try to buy it behind you spouse's back. I've heard of it happening, and it could definitely lead to trouble later on.
Communicate about bills too. Know who is covering which bill, how much it is, when it's due, etc. It's kinda tough, but also definitely talk about if one of you will be late on a bill, if you two can afford to pay it that month, and what to do about it. There are always unexpected expenses, and times are tough, but so long as you attack them together, it won't feel so bad. Also, most people say to join your bank accounts when you get married, but do what's right for your needs. Sam and I have separate accounts because we like being able to buy each other gifts or dinners out and have it actually feel like we're not spending the other person's money (if that makes sense). Regardless of whether your accounts are joint or not, you should both recognize that the money you earn doesn't really belong to you. It belongs to both of you. It's your money, but it's not *just* your money.
4) Be ready and willing to say "I'm sorry", even when you don't think you did anything wrong. And mean it. If you have a fight, and you KNOW your spouse is wrong wrong wrong and you're 100% right, at least be sorry that you're fighting. Get to a point where you can talk it out with relative calm, and take it from there. And be willing to compromise, especially when you know you're just being stupid and stubborn. It's possible that you're not 100% right, and you won't get your way. But you should try to avoid having resentment between you, whenever possible. That said, if you really do feel strongly about something, let your spouse know that, and talk it out from there. But pick your battles.
5) Spend alone time together. Talk and hang out! Sometimes life is really hectic, but you shouldn't ever take your spouse for granted. Sam and I don't have kids, so that makes it a little easier for us. But there have been days this past year where I had so much schoolwork that it felt like I barely saw him all week. Even when I'm really busy, I schedule at least a few hours to spend with Sam. I feel like even though we've been together for over 6 years, I'm still learning things about him. And I continue to learn about us as a couple too.
6) Respectful and courteous behavior is still important, even when you're married. I mean, you should feel free to burp loudly in front of each other or pee with the door open, if you're comfortable with that (and why wouldn't you be?). But you should still say "thank you" when they do something nice for you. And when you're too lazy to get up for a glass of water, you should definitely say "please" when you ask them to get one for you. You shouldn't expect your spouse to do your bidding. (That's what kids are for! haha)
7) Retain your individuality. We-ness is very important, but you-ness is important too. Make sure you pursue your own interests and do things apart from your spouse. Doing things without each other makes both of you more well-rounded people, as well as gives you new things to talk about when you are together. Being apart also makes you appreciate the time you spend together. It's cheesy, but I miss Sam after I haven't seen him in a couple hours.
8) Remember your vows! Because there will be rough days. Some rougher than others. Luckily for Sam and I, our rough days have been relatively few and far between (*knock on wood*). But even if you do all of the above, even if you try to communicate EVERYTHING, something may fall through the cracks, and people make mistakes. The important thing to remember is that marriage is worth fighting for. No matter how hard things may get, Sam and I have agreed that we will work our damnedest to make things work between us. I think it's important to have an absolute understanding between each other that we won't give up until we've tried everything else. And that even when we've done all those things, we'll try to think of things outside the box. Because we know that when the marriage is good, it's REALLY good. I believe that, during tough times, if you think back to what you promised to each other in front of your family and friends, and how strongly you believed in those promises, you can overcome anything thrown your way.
9) Finally, I know brides (and sometimes grooms) spend so much time planning the wedding and caring SO MUCH about every single little detail. But it's just one day. It'll likely be the happiest day of your life thus far (it was for us!). But even if things go wrong, or things don't turn out exactly as you had planned, there will be other happiest days. Really! So long as you're actually legally married by the end of the day, it was a success. So if the DJ plays the wrong song at the cake cutting or the flowers are the wrong shade of pink, let it go. It won't be that important when you're blissfully married later.
Good luck to all the happy engaged/married/committed couples out there!
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