Social Neurosis

Something I regret over this past year of grad school was my relative inability to make friends. I mean, I did become friends with an awesome fellow grad student in the East Asian Department, but I met a lot of other cool people too, and never got past being acquaintances. Part of the problem was definitely how far I live from school. What with homework, studying, family obligations, and various other things I have to do around Camarillo, driving over an hour out to Santa Barbara is a difficult thing indeed. However, I know a good part of it is my own fault, and I'm really kinda kicking myself for it.

I've learned something about myself - I don't like engaging people. I'm insecure, and think I'm being a bother. I've always known that I'm kinda socially inept. (I've been known to see someone I know, not know what to say to them, and run in the other direction. And not just on one occasion. This is not something I'm proud of.) ...Okay, I'm more than just kinda socially inept. So I have a hard time making friends, because I feel uneasy calling them or have a hard time talking to people at first. Or I think I'm kinda boring, so I don't know what to do when I do hang out with people. And I can see how I could be a very frustrating person for someone to try to be friends with. I've discovered that my friends are often people who constantly come to me, and invite me to things, and call me, thereby letting me know it's okay to "bug" them by calling them randomly. I think maybe I would be closer with some of my distant friends if I had stepped out of my comfort zone a little more, or worked a little harder at engaging them, or not worried so much about the word salad that comes out of my mouth when I speak sometimes.

It's totally neurotic, I know, and I feel like I used to be better at this stuff. But maybe I wasn't. I was really pretty social in college, but maybe that's because it was convenient. My close friends in college lived close by, if not right next door, and they rarely wanted to go out to bars or loud parties. After college was work, and work was so exhausting that, even on the weekends, I didn't feel like going out. And I think I had already developed this neurosis by then. I never really liked phones, and like them even less in this hyper-phone-y day and age we live in. I think I agree with Stephen Fry that the telephone is the rudest invention ever, because it's basically a device that completely disregards what a person at any given time and shouts in a piercing ring, "Talk to me now! Talk to me now!" ...But I digress. And I realize I'm ranting, which makes me sound crazy.

I need friends who pester me. I need friends who don't stop bugging me until I finally (and believe me - eventually happily) step out of my comfort zone. Cuz I'm working on this social neurosis of mine, but until I get to a place where I don't run away from people, I need people to run after me. It doesn't mean that I don't like you. I'm just worried you won't like me.

Exercised?: Yes (Long, brisk walk with Sam - Refreshing!)
On the Needles: Fuzzy Feet slippers for Sam. Pattern from Knitty.