Skin Deep

So, it's the first of February. Let's just say that the resolutions haven't been going as planned. Much of it is purely circumstantial (i.e. not my fault, particularly regarding money) but it is definitely my fault that I haven't been exercising. Anyway, resolutions are tricky little buggers and let's leave it at that, shall we?

Even though my skin is looking a lot better lately (which cannot actually be accredited to my efforts, seeing as how I've been lazy about my medicine lately), I still find myself struggling with my self-image. Part of it was definitely my skin - it's difficult to feel pretty when your skin is red and blotchy and itchy and peeling off. And a good part of it is my weight. I have never had issues with my weight until the past few years, and I think I was ill prepared to deal with an ever-bulging stomach.

But I think the root of my problem with my self-esteem is the fact that I've identified myself as a "Plain Jane." It's not that I feel ugly. I know I'm not. I just feel boring. And it's a bit of a vicious cycle because I think I'm plain, so I dress plain, and I'm lazy about things like plucking eyebrows and doing things with my hair, but then that makes me feel even more plain, and then the cycle is back at the beginning. I continue to go through stages of boring and lazy and even experience them both at the same time.

You'd think that the fact that this bothers me enough to blog about it would make me DO something about it rather than complain, but it just makes me dig myself into this hole a little deeper. This is coupled with the fact that the change from blah to beautiful scares the crap out of me. I want to be pretty, sure. But I somehow don't want attention for it. I once wore my favorite boots to work, and some of my coworkers complimented me. And it felt good, but at the same time, I was really very uncomfortable with the attention. And that was just boots! What happens if - God forbid - I wear a dress and heels? Or, even more shocking - makeup? My coworkers would be all atwitter. (Gossiping gooses, the whole lot of them!)

Anyone who really knows me knows that I like attention. I wouldn't say I'm an attention whore, but when I think I did something noteworthy, I kind of expect someone to say something about it. I guess I'm a bit of a brat (Sam would wholeheartedly agree), but I'm not really dying for other people's attention. There's a certain amount of attention that I love, but any more than that, and I get very uncomfortable. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want people gossiping about me. If I were still in college, it'd be different. I didn't have to see classmates for more than 2 hours a day. I'm around these people at work, Monday through Friday, sometimes Saturdays, for an average of 8-9 hours a day. That's more time than I see Sam during the week.

Still, I'd like to make an effort. Even if it's just figuring out what to do with my hair, plucking eyebrows, and wearing skirts, I'd like to make a start to be a better version of myself. I'm still not very girly, and I can't imagine wearing skirts more than once a week, but that's much better than the once every 2 years that I find myself in a dress or skirt nowadays. And I think it would help motivate me to get back into shape. There might be a bigger portion of our budget going to clothes, but I'm not a marathon shopper like most girls. I'm frugal by nature, and I like making things.

Maybe I'll try to ease into it over the course of the year. First, maybe a new hairstyle and better upkeep. Then more heels, then more blouses, then more skirts. And maybe after all the changes have settled in and my skin is even better, maybe I'll try a little makeup. Maybe.

I don't want to change who I am by changing my appearance. And I'm struggling with that. I'm battling with the me that still thinks I'm a "Plain Jane." I don't want to be a model, I just don't want to feel boring. I'm tired of being jealous of people who I think look better than me. I want to be a better version of me. I want to like the way I look in pictures again. But most of all, I want to feel like the beautiful person Sam sees me to be.