Resolution

So the holidays have come and gone and I have found myself in the happy position of not having a billion and one things to do all the time. Yay! Though I still find myself reasonably stressed most of the time, I do have some time now to do the things I want to do, instead of doing things for all the other people in my life. I would really like to do more things for myself.

My goals from over a month ago haven't been panning out the way I had hoped. I've actually gained a couple pounds over the holidays (but really, who hasn't?) so I'm psyching myself up to getting back on that proverbial horse and start exercising again. Saving money is also not going so well, what with all the expenses I had last month, and my difficulties with my new car payments. Sam's going to help me plan out how much to budget for each paycheck as it comes, so hopefully we can really bite the bullet.

I'm really going to need the extra money too. My parents have been bugging me (endlessly! geez!) about going to visit them at their new place in Texas. It's like EVERY time I talk to them, they ask me when I'm coming. I've been telling them repeatedly - I don't have the money right now, I know my brothers went already, I do want to see the new house, I can't go when you want me to, and no, I won't miss Sam's birthday to visit you for a long weekend, thankyouverymuch. GRAH!! So, I've made the tentative goal of visiting them for Easter. But really, all the nagging just makes me not want to see them. It's gotten to such a ridiculous point, and my parents are the type of people who would say something like "So, FINALLY you visit us!" when I do make it out there. It's really aggravating and really annoying. "I don't have money for plane tickets" does not equal "I don't love you enough to visit you," but apparently in their world, it does. (This is a very sore point for me right now, in case you couldn't tell.)

Because of the money-tightness, I'm also missing out on my friend Charles' wedding. I would love to make it up to Washington, but I really didn't have enough time to plan and save to get plane tickets. It's really too bad. Charles is my oldest friend, and a few old friends whom I haven't seen in years will be there, so this would have been a nice mini-reunion. Also, I'm not currently able to buy yarn for knitting or crocheting, so I feel like I can't really do anything with the yarn I do have (which is very cheap acrylic - not really suitable for wearable projects). I mostly just practice stitches. Which is nice and necessary, but I'm the type of person who needs at least some small sense of accomplishment when learning something new. And with California weather being what it is, knitted stuff like hats and scarves just won't be very practical in a couple short months. Oh well. The trick is to stay motivated and practice stitches while I'm "roughing it" with sub-standard yarn. Then maybe I'll only need a little practice before I'm knitting up socks and sweaters and gloves and underclothing with ease.

So I guess I'm just trying to stay motivated in all things right now. That's really what my New Year's Resolution is - stay motivated. I get way too lazy. I have a huge problem with losing interest in something once it gets even just a little bit boring or difficult or tedious. I want to keep on writing and crocheting and knitting and cooking meals and helping out with chores. I want to start exercising and saving as much as I can. I want to start reading and studying Japanese again. There are so many things that I want to do and keep on doing, and I never end up doing them. I hate feeling lazy and complacent.

I have another resolution, though it's kind of a soft resolution. Just something I need to work on. After working with the dermatologist, I'm starting to feel better about myself, and I want to keep at that. Losing some inches around the tummy will help with that as well, but I really want to do more to boost my self esteem and self image. I usually dress in plain jane clothes that do very little to make me look pretty. All they do is make me look presentable. I don't want to be a girly girl, but I do want to dress more femininely. I want to slowly condition myself to dress in the things I like - and to hell with all these notions in my head of whether I can "pull it off" or if it suits people's concepts of who I am. I'm hoping that when I get good at crocheting and knitting, that this can help in this endeavor. Money for new clothes would certainly help in that department, too, so that's where the whole saving thing comes to play. I don't want to be a fashionista, or a trend-setter, or a trend-follower. But I do want to be able to go into a store and not feel like the frumpiest person there. And maybe the confidence I'll find in my personal appearance will find its way to other parts of my life. And maybe given time, I'll have the courage to strike up awkward conversations in Japanese at sushi restaurants or with those random Japanese people at work. And maybe I'll be more outspoken about what I'm actually thinking rather than rewording everything to be palatable to everyone. I doubt clothes and a more open mind can fix all my insecurities. But I think this will be a step in a good direction.