Different and Difficult

I am a mother. What a strange concept that is. Even now, nearly 2 months after having given birth, I still have difficulty wrapping my mind around that idea. I look at my son (I have a son!) and I love him, but it's still like looking at a stranger or some other person's child who I just happen to be caring for around the clock.

I hope to have the time to write out my birthing experience at some point, so I don't forget details. But, for now, I'll set that aside for the more pressing concerns that are occupying my mind.

It's strange how some people react to life events. Weddings, babies... these things seem to either bring out the best or the worst in people. For example, my wedding to Sam brought out perhaps the best in Sam's parents, and the worst in mine. Now that we are having our first child - the first grandchild for both my parents and his mother - I find that it's brought out the best in my parents and the worst in his mother.

We have lived with Sam's family for just over a year now, and while we could certainly get on each other's nerves from time to time, our relationship with his mother was mostly amiable and comfortable. Now that we have the baby, though, it seems that the days alternate between barely tolerating each other one day and butting heads constantly the next. It's gotten so bad that there is certainly resentment brewing on both sides, such that I worry that Sam's relationship with and perception of his mother are irreparably damaged. Granted, it can't be easy for her to live with a newborn either, but she seems to have little patience for us or for the baby if it doesn't involve warm, fuzzy, quiet "grandma time". My child is not a perfect angel. He cries and fusses like any other baby. And, unfortunately, Sam and I aren't natural-born parents. We're learning as we go along, and we're overwhelmed and inevitably make mistakes. But we're doing what we feel is best for the baby, and she doesn't seem to respect that. It's gotten so bad that I feel that, for the baby's sake, I have to move to my parents' place several states away, at least temporarily. Meanwhile, Sam will stay here while there is still the possibility that he will be getting a full time job.

I swore to myself I wouldn't live apart from Sam again, not after going back to California to finish school. I hate that we're being forced into a similar situation again. While we agreed on a timeframe that is shorter than last time, it seems even worse to me that we'll be apart, as it means that he'll be missing nearly 2 whole months of our infant son's life. I don't want him to miss those months. I don't want him to miss out on those milestones and experiences. But, at the same time, I can't let the baby stay here any longer. I myself can't imagine being here for much longer. The atmosphere is toxic. We don't trust that our decisions as parents will be respected. And we do not have the support or patience that we need at this difficult time in our lives. I don't know whether moving in with my parents will be easier. I really think it will, but I don't know for certain. But I do know N- and I can't stay here. I just wish Sam could come with us.

None of this sits well with me, but I don't know what else to do. Even if I were to start looking for a job and found one right away, we'd still have to stay in this house at least a month longer in order to save up enough money for rent and deposits and new furniture, not to mention the fact that my first paycheck wouldn't come for at least 2 or 3 weeks. And I am ill-prepared for returning to the work force. I have no breastmilk supply stored up because the baby has nursed so often these past several weeks that I've had little to no opportunity to pump. Sam isn't yet confident enough to care for the baby on his own. We wouldn't have enough money for daycare yet. And there is no one both available and trustworthy who can babysit for us. This is on top of the fact that I am recovering from postpartum depression and am still getting used to motherhood (because I just don't take naturally to it). And I really can't ask Sam to give up on Chicago just yet. There are so many resources available to him here. It's convenient for him to get around the city through public transportation, and he has contacts here who are already working (in various degrees of aptitude and speed) to help him get a job. I can't ask him to start over in a new state before he's at least done all he can here. I would feel better if Sam could at least visit for Thanksgiving, but it's likely to be too expensive for him to travel. And it breaks my heart that Sam will be missing our son's first Thanksgiving. And it's Sam's favorite holiday too...

I don't know how to make this better. I don't know if it can be made better. I'm just hoping that this is all growing pains and that, someday soon, our lives will become a little simpler... a little easier to manage. Things are certainly too complicated now. It seems ridiculous that our lives always seem to take a turn for the difficult.