16 Weeks to Go

I've been back in Chicago for nearly 2 months now, and I have to say, it's wonderful being back with Sam again. It's funny, but he really is "my other half". I definitely felt like something was missing from myself when we were apart. Living with the in-laws is trying, because we are private people and really need our own space, but they're wonderful people who are generous enough to let us stay here while we get on our feet.

I'm just about 6 months into my pregnancy now, and though it's taken a while, I feel like I've finally developed a connection to my future child. He's a boy! He has a name! I can stop calling him "it" or merely "the baby" all the time, as if he were some vague concept and not a real person. He's been kicking for the past couple weeks now too (well, I've begun to feel and recognize them since a couple weeks ago. I'm told he's been kicking for a while now), and the kicks and punches are so strong and alive that it's hard not to feel a sense of amazement. There's a living being growing inside me. And he's ours. That's pretty incredible.

Still, I do sometimes struggle with the overwhelming notion that in a few short months, Sam and I are going to be parents. We're going to be in charge of this little fragile being's welfare, and that's going to encompass the majority of our lives from now on. I feel that Sam and I will make good parents, and I know that it's natural to have fears, but the idea that I'll be responsible for a person's life is a little terrifying. Moreover, I love the relationship Sam and I have right now. And I know that that relationship will inevitably change after the baby comes along. I don't fear change in general, as our relationship has certainly developed and shifted from what it once was 8 years ago to what it is now. What I fear are drastic changes in a short period of time. People always say "Things change after you have kids". I rarely put much stock into what people say, as the adages and warnings never seem to have applied to us. "Things change after you get married" and "Things change after you've been married 1 year/3 years/5 years" - those things people say to imply that marriage should be anything less than a wonderful journey - didn't hold true with us. But there's a nagging doubt in my mind that wonders if those people might be right about having children. So far, it's just been me and Sam. Adding another person to the family will undoubtedly change the dynamic he and I have with each other. I just hate the not knowing how our dynamic will change. I want us to be sickeningly lovey dovey with each other forever. I guess the trick will be to figure out ways to maintain that aspect of our relationship in amongst the craziness of being new parents.