Upside Down

It's crazy how much your life can change in the course of 6 months. Or, perhaps, how things you expected can turn out to be completely the opposite, thus turning all your plans on their heads. Strange also how all these changes can take place, but I've somehow ended up in a situation very similar to the one I started off in. With some notable exceptions.

So last time, I was graduating, looking for a job, had my own apartment, and was expecting to move. But I didn't graduate, could no longer look for a job, had to leave my apartment, and moved, but went to Chicago to live with my in-laws. Lived there in Chicago for a while, found a temporary part time job, but otherwise did nothing particularly noteworthy. Oh, except, uh... get pregnant. Oh yes! Came back to California, found out about said preggo state, and now here I am, trying to finish one last quarter of school that I really should not have had to do. And I have to start the job search process all over again. Oh, and I'm here without Sam. At least I have a place to live for a while. Yay, generous relatives!

My life is just so terribly complicated. I don't even know how it got this way. It's really hard being apart from Sam for this long. Even though we've done this before when we were in school, it's so much harder once you've had years and years together with only a week or two apart once in a blue moon. It's even harder because I'm pregnant, and Sam is missing out on so much of what's going on with me and the baby. First ultrasound, first time hearing the heartbeat... He's missing so much, and I feel so bad for him. Trying to finish up school without the emotional support he provides is really difficult too. I know he's rooting for me, and he's doing his best to support me from afar, but it's just so hard. And I hate knowing how much finishing up my degree has turned our lives upside down, and what a huge impact it's having on our lives.

And I'm angry. Angry that nobody told me that my independent study for my comp exams didn't count toward my overall grad credits. I'm angry that I didn't ask more questions, because I had an inkling that something was wrong, even though I didn't know what. I'm angry that I didn't know what questions to ask because I didn't know what I was missing. I'm angry that my school messed up my financial aid so that I couldn't send my car from Chicago when I wanted to, so I had to rent a car for my first few weeks here, thereby destroying any hope of being able to visit Sam for Valentine's and his birthday. I'm angry that I'm having such difficulty with my classes this quarter because I'm so beyond the academic mindset at this point after half a year of not studying. I'm angry that I just can't seem to concentrate, nor can I find the motivation to make myself do the work at the level I know I'm capable of.

I'm constantly just a little depressed. I'm constantly bitter at my situation. And I hate being this way. Because I know I'm better than this. And I have a lot of work I should be doing right now, but somehow... I just can't bring myself to care.

I just want this all to be over with. I don't even care what kind of grade point average I get anymore, just so long as I pass my classes and get my stupid degree. I want to get on with my life. And more importantly, I want to go back to my husband, damn it. I don't like Chicago, and I don't like not having our own place, but if Sam's there, that's where home is. I want to go home.