Ow, My Brain

I wish I could somehow rewire my brain. I don't like the way it works. I like that I learn pretty quickly, and that I retain a fair bit of useful information. But it's impatient and stubborn and doesn't deal well with fear. Stress, it can usually handle. Fear is another thing entirely.

I'm scared that I won't find a good job. I want my degree and my expensive education to be worth it. But I'm afraid that I've put ourselves in so much debt, only to find that we'll end up right where we started. I'm scared that the market is so bad right now that even though my resume and references and education are good, I won't find a good job right away. I don't want to end up at some dead end position again. I want a career. I want to do things that I care about. I want a house and exciting vacations. I want to be settled. No more of this jumping from apartment to apartment. No more uncertainty about where we'll be in two years' time. And it's scary that it all rests on me to make it happen.

But my brain, you see, it's one of those brains that shies away from what it fears. So I've been putting aside the things I should be doing and procrastinating or getting distracted really easily because I don't want to face what's to come. Which is stupid, cuz putting things off and doing other things will prevent me from taking measures against what I'm scared of. Stupid, stupid brain. I'm stronger than this. I'm better than this. And I can't keep doing this because we're running out of time.

I have to be disciplined over the next week and a half. I haven't been keeping to my schedule at all. I have to work hard, take the damn test, and find a job. And if that job isn't what I had in mind career-wise, then I get some experience, save some money, and try for the job I do want. There's that patience thing again. I need to be a little more patient. Everything doesn't need to fall into place right away. I just can't afford to be complacent. Patience with purpose.