Beginnings

Things are changing again. I knew it was all coming, so it's hardly fair for me to say it's happening so fast, because in many ways, I have been waiting and waiting for all this to finally take place. But now that I'm quitting my job and going to school in just a few short weeks, and I've moved into a nice, new apartment... It's happening so fast.

I definitely think that the reason people get stuck at a dead-end job is because they're scared of leaving this safe, predictable hole they've dug themselves into. School was nice and safe and mostly predictable too, but they kick you out after 4ish years. So without a graduation, people just stick around. And if I hadn't given myself a swift kick to the ass, I'm pretty sure I'd still be stuck at Technicolor. Because even though, as of today, I've put in my 2 weeks notice and am officially quitting, I'm really quite scared of what's to come. I've been longing to go back to school all this time, and now that's it's really happening, I'm scared.

I don't think I'm scared that I won't do well, per se. I'm reasonably confident that I can do well in my classes. But I'm not sure yet how different grad school is going to be, and what I should expect out of it. I'm also afraid that my fading proficiency in Japanese is going to make me stay in my Master's program longer than I need to be. I have to somehow cram in years of forgotten Japanese lessons before my placement exam in 2 and a half weeks. It's freaking me out. I'm just hoping that I can gain enough of my lost knowledge to prove that I should be in 3rd Year Japanese. And then actually get in the class.

And that's another thing that worries me. I got a crappy registration time, so of course all the good classes that actually have something to do with my field of interest are all full. My only hope is that someone tweaks their classes and drops something that I want. And then, with the placement exam, I have to wait until the day before classes to find out if I can take a Japanese class at all, if there's room. Seems like a pretty shitty system to me. All well and good if I had 4 years to dick around and take random classes, but with just 2 years to finish this Master's Program, I can't just take classes for the heck of it and hope to finish on time. I'm worried that the program only sounded good online, but lacks direction and organization. As it is, I've had to contact the advisor directly at least twice to find out about registration. You'd think they'd send a packet or something.

I really wouldn't have trouble with the idea of taking random classes forever, if it wasn't for the fact that I have to pay for it. As it is, I'm worried that my financial aid will only just be enough to support me and Sam and Powder. I've done calculations upon calculations, and it seems to work out, but I know that there are often those little expenses that add up. Like all the stuff I bought this week for moving that were just little things, like a new coffee maker and groceries and a soap dish. And then they turned into huge sums in my account. The fact that I'm quitting my job makes the worries worse, but I know that it's for the best. My mental health will improve by leaps and bounds once I leave there. I don't like the person I've become. So, I just have to be confident that I can find a part time job that will help with the expenses for now.

I feel like I'm always complaining on this blog, and I'm guessing it really does take up most of my entries. And that's part of what I hate about who I've become. I don't want to be so negative anymore. I just have to remind myself of all the very good reasons that I'm making these changes, and that it'll all work itself out through hard work and lots of deep breaths.