Day by Day

When I think of who my immediate family is now, it's Sam and Powder. They come first. Sam is my husband - of course he's my family. Of course he comes first. But Powder? People who aren't animal-lovers, people who think of their pets as just that and nothing more, they don't understand how I could define my life or relationships in terms of a dog. It's strange to them that I could love an animal as much as I could love any human. But for me, it is as natural as loving a best friend or a sister or a child. I've had her since I was 11 years-old. I grew up with her. And so for over 15 and a half years, she has been such a huge part of my life. Not a small role, for a little dog.

I've been afraid for a while now that I would lose her soon. She's very old by any standard for dogs. But most of the time, she doesn't seem so old to me. Most of the time, she's full of energy and mischief, talkative and increasingly stubborn. She's childlike and innocent, always excited when we come home and generous with kisses. So it's hard sometimes, when I am forced to come to terms with how very old she is.

I found some lumps on Powder the other day, and found that one was bleeding a little. We took her to the vet the next day (yesterday), and at the suggestion of the doctor, we had x-rays taken. As we feared, she has a mass in her lung, which could be cancer. It's possible that it's benign, or an abscess from an infection, but it would be difficult to know for sure. At Powder's age, it is unsafe for her to receive such invasive surgery. So there's nothing we can do, but give her antibiotics and hope that it's only an infection. We just wait, to see if she gets better or worse. But the strong likelihood is that our time with her is short. Maybe only months. Much shorter than we'd like.

I'm trying to be strong and optimistic. As I write this, Powder is tromping around the living room like crazy, panting and crashing into things. She's happy and silly and being a complete nut. It was hard, yesterday, to think of all the things that might soon happen to my little puppy. It was overwhelming. It's still hard, today, and slightly less overwhelming. It's out of my control, and I hate that. I hate that there's nothing I can do but wait and see. Wait and hope and think positively.

My time with Powder is terribly precious. I'm not sure how much time I have with her, but I know it could be very little. I want to make the most of it. I want to spoil her a little. I want to make sure that she feels so incredibly loved at all times, because she is. I'm terrified of what may be, but I think if we all just take it day by day, we might just find some sanity in insane circumstances. Sam and I love her to bits, and all we can do is hold onto that love for as long as we're able.