What's Wrong with Marriage?

Today, in my Japanese Pop Culture class, my professor made the following warning: "I encourage you all not to get married anytime soon, but instead use your time to pursue much more interesting things." This comment confused me, as it was only tangentially related to our current topic of discussion (declining marriage rates in Japan), and - frankly - should not be any of her concern. Of course, I come at this subject as a young married woman, so there is definitely a bias here. But I do not believe the classroom is the place for opinions on a person's life style.

However, this opinion that marriage is something undesirable is not uncommon these days.I find it troubling and disheartening that I frequently hear negative opinions from various people about marriage. What's wrong with marriage? People say it's an antiquated tradition, that it inherently subjugates women, that it limits your career potential, that it holds you back from your goals. They cite divorce rates and personal accounts where so-and-so felt trapped in a loveless marriage, or never fulfilled her dream to become some famous something-or-other because she got married.

To these arguments, I say - So what? None of that really applies to me, nor does it need to apply to anyone else. So what if it's an antiquated tradition? Just because it's old, it's obsolete? If you don't want to get married, don't get married. If you don't want to commit yourself to another person for life, then don't. It really is as simple as that. And just because marriage subjugated women in the past does not necessarily mean that the same is true of the present. If a woman marries a man who thinks less of her, she will be subjugated in that relationship (regardless if it is because he is a misogynist or because he simply thinks too much of himself). But she would be demeaned and disrespected in any relationship with such a man. If you marry someone who looks to you as an equal, you will be treated as an equal. Furthermore, why does marriage have to keep anyone from their career or goals? Any decisions a woman makes contrary to her dreams is her own. If she decides to stay home with the kids, that was her decision. Of course her husband probably had some say in the matter, but she in no way had to give up anything if she didn't want to. Here, I believe this is a case of "the grass is always greener on the other side." If a woman gives up a goal or dream for the sake of her personal life, she will still be plagued with those gnawing questions of "What if?". And if that goal they set aside seems more glamorous or empowering than, say, becoming a soccer mom, then that only makes the "What if" gnaw all the more strongly. This is not to say that anyone has to give up anything for their personal life. A woman could - perhaps with more difficulty - pursue her goals while having a rich personal life. It's a difficult juggling act, but many women do so everyday. Children complicate matters, of course, but I don't see how simply being married forces you to give up anything.

In my case, my short term goals have certainly changed as a result of getting married, but I don't see that as a negative thing. I may not go to Japan in the near future, but that does not bar me from going there sometime later on. Personally, I would much rather go with Sam than go alone. Marriage, for me, is about shared experiences. There is joy in fulfilling a goal or a dream, but there is much more joy in sharing that fulfillment with my favorite person. In fact, I find myself more motivated to do things I might otherwise put off, or lazily decide it wasn't important in the first place. Like go to grad school for instance. I probably would have ditched the idea if I hadn't gotten married, but thinking about my future with Sam, and wanting it to be the best it could possibly be... there is no greater motivation than that. And despite all my grumbling about grad school, I'm doing well! And I think I have Sam to thank for that as well. He tells me I'm smart when I feel like I'm stupid, and that I can do it when I think I can't. How can so many people think marriage is a bad thing when it has brought me nothing but happiness?

Perhaps my professor hasn't been married, and doesn't know what it's like. Or maybe she has been married, and it didn't work out. Or (and I think this may be the case) maybe she's a feminist with heavily biased ideas about what marriage is. In any case, I find it kind of silly that such a heavily educated woman could be so closed-minded. If there's anything I've learned these past 3 years of married bliss, it's that marriage is what you make of it. If you work hard at it, and expect it to be a wonderful thing, then it will be wonderful. If you're lazy at maintaining the relationship and expect it to be painful/boring/disastrous, it will be painful/boring/disastrous. I don't claim to be any sort of expert on marriage - 3 years is a relatively short time to be married, after all - but I find it difficult to believe that marriage can be so undesirable when there is a desperate struggle for the right to be married going on in this country, and that all cultures of all nations have some form of marriage. Marriage is an old tradition, yes, but it would appear to be a vital one, a part of the human condition.

This is a week early, but Happy Anniversary, Honey! These have been the happiest 3 years of my life, and I'm looking forward to all the years that follow!