Who Moved My Cheese?

What the hell is wrong with me? I can't seem to be happy with anything I'm doing. I've wanted to get out of Technicolor and go back to school for a long time. And this unsettling feeling of "What the fuck am I getting myself into?" is probably a reaction to such a drastic change, and the fact that 2 out of 3 of my classes really suck, and the fact that I don't really know what I'm doing, and the lack of organization of my department. I'm trying to tell myself, "It's just the first week. It's just the first quarter. It'll be fine in January." But all that really tells me is that, other than Japanese, these next 2 and a half months will be an agonizing waste of time. With almost inevitable bad grades.

So, I had this "dream" since graduating from college. I'd go to grad school, study abroad in Japan, and become a professor, where I'd do nothing but write pretentious papers and teach one class a semester. But I think I'm realizing that somewhere between college and today, my "dream" has changed. I've changed. And most importantly, Japan is no longer my ultimate goal.

I'm looking at study abroad programs right now, and I really want to go, but the reality that I'd be away from Sam for 4-5 months is settling in. The thought of going to Japan is far less appealing now, knowing that Sam wouldn't be coming with me. School is suddenly intimidating and lacking structure, and I find myself wishing Sam was there too. It's not that I haven't been apart from Sam during the majority of the day before - I'm at school or studying for about the same amount of time I used to be at work. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but it feels like he should be there. And the time I spend at home now is partially occupied by my studies. What about when I start my actual research? And get a TA-ship and start my PhD? What time will I have for Sam then? I suppose it's not very "feminist" to say so, and it's probably gonna sound really cheesy, but I don't feel complete when Sam's not around. I feel like a part of me is missing, and I think I now associate school with Sam, because that's where we met. Bah! I feel so cornball.

I don't know where this puts me. It could just be grad school cold feet - adjustment to such a huge change to my daily life. I don't handle change very well, I think. I'm gonna figure something out with grad school, and try to get through these growing pains and at least stick to this direction for the year. But even if grad school gets better, I don't think that will negate the fact that I want to accomplish great things together with Sam, and that trying to do those things without him is no longer very appealing to me. I want to find something that the two of us can do together.