Ready for March to Be Over

All in all, March wasn't such a bad month. Bills were paid in a timely manner, I was able to buy a couple new shirts, and I've started an exercise and diet regimen to get me in shape by my birthday. I'm on my way to losing weight, I'm feeling good, and even though I was rejected from Berkeley, I now know where I'm going for grad school. UCSB, here I come!

But March seems to be a month of bad news for us, and it's really draining the energy out of me and Sam. First, Sam's grandmother is dying of liver failure, which turns out to be liver cancer. Sam's mom has been visiting her in Puerto Rico every now and then, and funeral arrangements are being made. The family knew it was just a matter of time, though, so even though I'm sure it's very painful for everyone, Sam at least seems resigned to the fact that this was coming. Second, Sam's biological father is dying of liver cancer as well. This came as a huge shock, since no one even knew he had cancer to begin with, and then here is this news that he has around a month to live. Sam was never close with his father, and can't even really communicate, since his father only really knows Spanish. I think Sam is at a loss as to how to feel. He says the news of both the losses of his grandmother and father give him a "gloomy" feeling, and I imagine a bit of helplessness, since there's nothing he can do. He wouldn't even be able to fly out to Puerto Rico to attend either of the funerals, since we simply don't have money for plane tickets at the moment. It's a frustrating situation. I hope I can help Sam sort this out emotionally in some way. As for me, I feel a sense of regret that I never got to meet Sam's father. I'm also worried now about Sam's future health, since we know now that he has liver cancer history on both sides of his family. I'll definitely be talking with our doctor, doing research on prevention, and making Sam get regular screenings if necessary.

The final big blow came today, during our appointment with Social Security today. They wanted to calculate the "correct" amount of Sam's disability check, because of our marriage. Apparently I make "too much" money for them to give Sam a decent check. These new calculations mean that we'll be getting $200 a month less than what we were previously getting, which was already $600 less than what Sam received per month before we were married. On months where I have 3 pay periods, he might not even get a check at all! You see, according to the government, disabled people should 1) not get enough money to live on in the first place, 2) be punished for being in happy relationships, and 3) not be given the opportunity to help their family with expenses. I know it's free money, but how are disabled people supposed to be financially responsible and independent if they aren't given the opportunity to do so? Believe me, we would both be happier if we didn't have to rely on the government for that small bit of cash they do give us. But Sam has been met with so much prejudiced behavior when applying for regular 9-5 jobs, that it has been near-impossible for him to find a decent job. I have high hopes that a college setting will be more willing and able to hire Sam, but in the meantime, it's ridiculous for the government to expect 2 adults to live in frickin' Southern California on $35k a year - BEFORE taxes. Never mind that it's actually more like $24k after taxes, that you're lucky if you find a one bedroom apartment in a decent neighborhood for less than $1100 a month, that the economy's in the shitter, and that 1 adult would find it difficult to live on $24k after taxes - much less 2. Things are already tight for us as it is. I mean, I'm pretty sure we can afford to live on it for now, but what about extra money for emergencies? Or, god forbid, savings? I've been really trying to set aside a little bit of money for rainy day savings, and I paid off my credit card balances with my tax return money. I've been really working hard at being smart with my money and we've basically been using that government check only for rent. But once this reduced check comes into effect, I'll be REALLY close to being over-extended every month. I'll probably need to apply for another credit card for emergencies, and it'll be even tougher to put anything away for savings. And anything I have in savings (which isn't a lot) will probably go toward making up for the lack of money we will have soon. So the government's half-assedness is punishing us for making responsible financial decisions and advancing in the workforce. No wonder the economy's so crappy.

I was really freaking out about it this afternoon (I left the Social Security office crying. Yikes.), but I'm slowly coming around to that feeling of inevitability. Like, "It's gonna happen anyway, so suck it up." Sam and I are trying to figure out ways to cut corners (we'll be cutting the cable soon, probably), and I think if I do some careful planning, I can adapt my finances so that I can pay $200 more a month for rent and still have a teensy $100 cushion for every pay period. Then, if I'm good about my spending and don't need the cushions, I'll put that money towards a "Fun Fund" (so we can actually still have lives. What a concept!) and a "Rainy Day Fund." I'm determined to have a little peace of mind, as well as the ability to do fun things once in a while, even though we'll be on an even stricter budget. And with any luck, I'll only have to worry about this crap for a few more months.

Still, despite this strained positivity, I'm SO ready for March to be over.